God's Love

The world would have us believe that love has many meanings, or degrees, ranging from common love like "I love this movie" to the profound eternal love that is described in John 15:13 "Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." These degrees of love are a construction of mankind and are not of God. There is one love and the rest are all substitutes. God gives us the ultimate example of eternal love in John 3:16 "For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life." In return for this love, God does not ask for equal reconciliation. He will not require us to pay our debt in full and, with a stamp of completion, send us on our way alone. It can never be fully repaid. What, then does this say about eternal love? Godly love does not ask to be repaid. A beautiful description of Godly love is in Moroni 7:45, "And charity suffereth long, and it kind, and envieth not, and is not puffed up, seeketh not her own, is not easily provoked, thinketh no evil, and rejoiceth not in iniquity but rejoiceth in the truth, beareth all things, believeth all things, hopeth all things, endureth all things." This Godly love is unknown to the world. The media displays love as nearly the opposite of this charity. Verbal abuse is popular, along with jealousy and disloyalty. Charity also takes a backseat to pride, lust, and fame. It is believed and portrayed that love requires a certain amount of dishonesty, because they claim the truth would destroy a relationship. Perhaps the worst deception of all is that true love does not endure to the end. Divorce is more common, in media, than marriage. God called me specifically to be a lover of his children. When he said "Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God (1 John 4:7)," love changed from the mock love that is Hollywood romance to something that will exist eternally after all the world and it's false ideals are forgotten.

My Fatal Flaw

The last few weeks I have been reading the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series. In it, they often emphasize the fatal flaws of the characters. It made me think a lot about my own flaws and which one could lead to my destruction. I think, right now, my pride and independence is that flaw. I have a seemingly innate need to prove that I am a capable and strong adult. Lately, I have felt that, the more I desire to be independent, the more I am forced to depend on others. For example, financially, I have struggled and struggled. I do not feel that it is a result of my own frivolity, but simply because of a series of unexpected necessary expenses. My car broke down several times in the last six months. I have had to pay for a new computer. I have had to borrow money for school because I no longer qualify for enough financial aid to cover tuition. None of these were my fault, but I feel like, in a way, these trials were God’s way of teaching me that it is not only okay, but good to rely on the people who love me for help. Satan’s war is against God’s plan. That plan is centered on family relationships and eternal marriage. It only makes sense that Satan would use my fatal flaw, my desire for independence, to convince me that relying on another person, especially a man, is dangerous and weak. He uses society and media to plant the idea that women should be strong masters of men. A lot of the TV shows I watch portray women as single, or divorced. These women control men like they are lesser intelligences. Their tenderness is repressed, that tenderness that is God’s gift to women, that makes women special and sacred. Besides TV, school, work, and even my own family, all encourage strength and independence. I remember my dad saying to me one day at the dinner table “You’re crying again? Why don’t you just stop?” when I had had a really emotional day. I know guys aren’t wired to cry over every stupid thing like girls are, so he probably didn’t understand what that meant to me. Still, I felt like he was telling me to repress my emotions and don’t let people see my weaknesses. That way, I can deal with them on my own in private. At work, even though I love my job, one of the first things I learned was that the students can sense my mood and they can eat me alive if I show weakness. Living with roommates was really hard on me because I didn’t ever have a completely private place where I could relieve my emotions.

Cursed

The harshest curse is loneliness.
Which curse you inflict upon me.
I am certain this never was your intention,
and, if you knew, you would curse yourself
to remove it from me.
It is the harshest curse, I’d say
because it feeds on independence,
sucks dry self-esteem,
and leaves the cursed empty
with no one to witness their suffering.
Still, it is better, I know
to endure loneliness
than to love without heart
or to lie to my own mind
by telling it
that I don’t need you anymore.

The Irony About Loss

The irony about loss
is that it is more common
than it is unique.
And hate
and anger
are common too
pretending to be the “lesser evil”
judgmental.
If I could
I would retreat
to my own world
and remove myself
from caring.
That way, I could feel no pain at loss,
reciprocated anger,
or shame from being hated;
and I would feel no judging eyes,
and hear no criticizing words,
and never have to feel the betrayal
of a loved one’s disappointment
in me